The Nun who left

You'd be a liar if you said you've never been tempted. That thoughts that man labeled immoral have never crossed your mind. The same man that despises these desires created them. The same nun who has chosen to live her life according to the bible has dreamt of the very sins she ought not to commit. Oh but she longs for what she is taught to resist. She wonders sometimes if she is missing anything in this life. Then quickly punishes herself , for to exist means to be good and then to not is to enter God's kingdom. Yet she  thinks to herself, God knew we would sin, which is why asking for forgiveness exist , is it not ? Then can I not just bite but a piece off the fruit off ? I've never wronged anyone , not physically or emotionally. Nor would I want to despite what has been done to me. The nun looks up , my journey has not been traveled. I haven't even started. I've never left the church. Every aspect of my life exist within the church. I'm so very thankful for what the church has done for me , but something is missing. I don't want to die in the church father. I no longer want to live in the church father. What have I achieved in the church ? I pray, I eat, attend services, and repeat. There's more to life , and who's to say that what is more to life must be considered sinful ? Fear overcomes the nun. She slowly walks backwards. These thoughts ..are they evil ? Will I still go to heaven ? If another were to hear oh how they would damn me. You've never judged me. You've always loved me. Would you follow me ? Let me see beyond these doors and still accept me. I should leave. Without a word. They would not understand. They live this life not out of love but for a reward. Who's worst ? The atheist who's become so due to this religion but acts kindly out of love and is good , or the religious whom claims to follow in your steps but does wrong though they are aware ? To be good because it is right is what I believe. Sickening that some are entrapped due to wanting to remain alive but are not living. I confess as I undress, I am the nun who will leave the church. Still live by my God but no religion. The nun lived in the church with fear and left feeling empowered. Blinded and left with sight.